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07 November 2009 @ 06:40 pm
I'm starting putting these under an lj cut, because you guys shouldn't have to read this crap every day.

Another day.Collapse )
06 November 2009 @ 09:25 pm
Ive never written in my personal journal so much before, it's usually weeks between entries and nothing this private. I guess these are exceptional circumstances, it just occured to me as I started writing - another useless thought that jumped into my head.

I slept properly, finally. I just fell sideways about 8am and slepyt through to 6pm ish, my neck and shoulder hurt like fuck where I landed and then slept awkwardly, but at least I slept I suppose.

After devouring that sandwich yesterday, I haven't eaten again. I went offline to try for some food a little earlier and failed miserably. I don't care, I'm trying to eat because of a promise made to a friend, but I can't bring myself to care that I'm not. I'm sorry, that's selfish and I'm horrible for thinking that way. I'm trying.

I wish I could help everyone else, I want to be able to take away everyone's pain. I know I can't, and people keep saying I need to focus on healing myself, but I can't. I just can't. I can't even think about living right now, just existing each moment. And that's hard enough.

I've fallen back on roleplaying as a distraction, it sounds heartless and I don't mean it to be. It lets me pretend to be not me for a small while, just concentrating on stupid mundane things like characterisation and stuff. Because if I'm concentrating on things that don't matter, stupid little things that really aren't important in the long run, then I don't think about the bone-crushing agony of what the reality is. And that's what I need at the moment, it's TOO much, too raw and too huge to think about at the moment.

I spoke to Callie again today. For anyone who wants it, she linked me to this Facebook group for Shannon.

None of this probably makes any sense.
05 November 2009 @ 09:39 pm
Today was more numb than yesterday. I only got about four hours sleep, and then cried a lot into the morning.

I tried eating a sandwich earlier, I only got three bites of it before I threw it back up again.

It still hurts to breathe, it hurts deep in my ribcage like nothing I've felt before. I felt like such a failure a little earlier. Ebi has done this lovely thing where people can post letters to Shannon, and all I could write was a few words. It just hurts too much to do more, and all my words seem stupid and not strong enough to really tell her how much I need her back. But I still felt like a failure and panicked for a while.

While writing this entry Jade, my housemate, brought me a bacon and egg sandwich and put it next to me. I don't know what happened but I was suddenly ravenous and scoffed the whole thing in about 30 seconds flat.

It doesn't seem to be repeating on me yet, which is a good thing.

I feel like I'm being insensitive to my friends, who obviously miss her too and are grieving. I want to be there for them as well.

Thank you, Reg, you've been a tower.

EDIT: I never meant to make any of you feel like annoyances when you talked to me, I'm so so sorry. I'll try to be less of a bitch.
04 November 2009 @ 02:08 pm
I just left Shannon an offline MSN message, I don't know why. I guess there's part of me still hoping this is some elaborate hoax, and if I could just tell her how much I love and need her then she'll come back to me.

I keep expecting her to squee at me over something Nisei or Joker have done, I keep expecting to be able to tell her I love her again.

I went into class this morning, but I broke down in the breakout area. My legs just gave way and I had to hold onto Jade while I cried. People were probably staring but I didn't notice, they sent me home and told me to come back when I could.

I just feel numb again now. I keep typing or saying whatever is in my head, as though it's of gravest importance, even though I'm probably talking about something utterly inappropriate and random. I can't help it, it's just blurting out of my mouth and I don't understand why.

I keep listening to three songs on repeat. There's a song Mary sent us a long time ago which we adopted as our song as a couple, a song Shannon said always reminded her of me when it played, and a song that always reminded me of Shannon.

Our song as a couple.
My song from Shannon.
Shannon's song from me.

I haven't yet slept or eaten, I can't. I feel like I should be doing something, but I just don't know what. I sort of want to roleplay just for something to focus my mind on and to not be me for even a short while, bury myself in the mundanities of a game. I feel horrible for wanting to, it feels inappropriate and insensitive and callous.

I'm sorry, none of thise even went anywhere. It's just flargh from my brain. Thank you so much to all my friends, I don't know I could even think about breathing right now without you.
04 November 2009 @ 12:17 am
I just don't know what to do. I spent a good ten minutes laughing hysterically like it was some sort of horrible nd sick joke. I'm shaking and crying and I've been sick.

She was my sweetpea, I love her. I feel like some kind of sick horrible person for even being online, but I don't want to be on my own and Jade has gone to bed. I don't know what to do. I can#'t cope with this.
31 October 2009 @ 12:09 am
So, I'm at my Halloween party tonight dressed as Aizen Sousuke, and we arrive at the main dance hall where it's going to be held. Jade then turns to me and says 'wait here', so I do.

About ten minutes later, I'm finally allowed into the hall when the song Jade requested of the DJ came on.

I walked into the Halloween Party to the rousing lines of...

And sheeeeeeeeeeeeeee, she licked me like a lollipop... like a lolliiiiipop!

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27 October 2009 @ 11:44 pm
WARNING: This post contains a fiction of MPREG nature, please do not read if this squicks you.

Title: Darwinian.
Rating: T
Written for: ryokoful
Prompt: Szayel and mpreg
Disclaimer: No owning. D= Good job, too.

Don't blame me...Collapse )
24 October 2009 @ 06:45 pm
Here is a tale of stupidity...

There was once a girl called Ena who went to London Expo in an Aizen cosplay, she took her black technician's clothes with her so she could change when she got to the theatre to run the sound for her show in the evening.

However, said idiot girl forgot her change of shoes, so is now sat in her technicians clothes, tabi and waraji.

*head desk*

*runs off to show*
24 October 2009 @ 05:39 pm

I just got back from Expo! I met Gee and Em, it was epic. I have pictures of Pyramid Head and I bought a doujin.

Six Arrancar/Espada randomly bowed to me and said 'Aizen-sama' and I got so many hugs it was unreal.

I had the best day. I am so tired, and so excited, and now I must go and tech a show.

20 October 2009 @ 12:03 am
I feel sick. I bet it was those scampi I had for tea. *sigh*

I knew today wasn't my day since I forgot to plug my speakers in for a sound check.
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19 October 2009 @ 02:10 pm

That is all.
15 October 2009 @ 09:32 pm
PSA: Niki is evil incarnate

That is all.
15 October 2009 @ 05:43 pm
I'm going to start titling all my entries with lines from songs - and the first person to guess what the song is gets a prize... =D

Today was a funny, funny day. I was with my Contextual Studies tutor and she was discussing what essay I would be writing this year. Each year we have to write a 5000 word essay on something to do with theatre / performance, etc.

The conversation went like this:

Tutor: What are your interests?
Me: Well, sound design and protools primarily.
Tutor: No, no, your outside interests.
Me: Um... anime, manga, roleplaying, ju--
Tutor: Can I just stop you there... roleplaying?
Me: Yeah.
Tutor: Have you heard of online roleplaying sites?
Me: ... a little =/
Tutor: Okay, well how would you feel if your essay title was 'Creating a performance persona for an online theatrical experience, and the differences in characterising said characters'?
Me: Um. You want me to write an essay about playing characters in an online roleplaying game?
Tutor: Yes.
Me: So for research... would I have to take part in the games?
Tutor: Yes, creating a character would be useful. If you could create two for the contrast, that would greatly improve your ability to show differences in characterisation.
Me: So let me get this straight... you want me to write an essay about online rpg games? And research it by playing them? Do you mean like WoW and Second Life?
Tutor: Actually, I was thinking more of something forum based, if you don't know any websites I can give you a few. Most of it is fandom specific, for example taking an existing Harry Potter character and putting them in a new world.
Me: ...
Tutor: What do you think?
Me: ...I think I can do that =D

Best. Essay. Ever.

So come on rp friends, help me research~
So, I feel like I should use my journal more often. People need to hear about the ramblings of my life... actually, no they don't, but what they hey!

Nothing very interesting is happening so far. I am loving my tech crap still, and will geek at you for copious amounts of time if you let me. YAY FOR PROTOOLS.

I kind of wanted to say how much I love all my friends on here, because I am a mushy sod. Thanks guys, you keep me sane.
15 September 2009 @ 09:11 pm
Soooo... I have decided that Grimmjow in his Resurrección, is the love child of John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, and a Power Ranger.

That is all.
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07 August 2009 @ 05:35 pm
Here is a bunch of Sephiroth icons, just screencapped and then edited from Advent Children.

04 August 2009 @ 09:29 pm
I haven't slept in a while, and I was finally going offline for a nap when I got a phone call - typical.

However, this phone call made me laugh so much, and really helped lighten my mood. So it doesn't matter that I'm tired, or that I am now laughing too hard to try and sleep again, I'm really grateful Gee rang me.

She is, however, utterly insane as at one point she said:

...my ass hurts so much. Have you ever had one of those poos that's just so hard and it won't come and it hurts? Well imagine doing three at the same time, but they're not coming out where they're supposed to. They're coming out of your asscheeks and then someone sews them shut again. That's what my bum feels like...

Thanks Gee, your amazing analogies will live forever.


At least she is having fun in Austria, and I am so touched she called me from all the way out there because of some RL things that are happening to me.

...oh, and she says 'Sorry, Shannon. I didn't mean to wake her up. Don't kill meeeee.

Bless her.
01 August 2009 @ 08:57 pm
I have a bit of a problem, and I wondered if you guys might be able to help me.

I have a character for an rp who I'm very fond of and have been playing for a while now, the thing is that while others say he's alright I know that he's not.

I have some amazing castmates, possibly some of the best roleplayers I have ever come across, and they are consistently IC and just simply superb.

I know he's the weak link in the cast, and it eats me up inside. But I'm selfish and don't want to drop or hand him over to another player.

What should I do? Because these people I adore deserve better than what I am giving them, but I can't make myself give him up.

Phfft, wow, I just read that back and realised how whiny and emo it sounds. Trust me guys, the reason I haven't said which character it is, is so that I don't get a load of reassurance. I don't need reassurance, I just need help on what to do.
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25 July 2009 @ 01:51 pm
This is for you, bb, just as promised. A K4 fiction for nonkonventional to cheer her up, and in payment for two fanarts ♥ - I do NOT own Bleach, please don't sue me as I have no money.

Ghost Stories


He knew. He knew before they had even been taken aside in class to be told they could go home early, he had known immediately that something had happened when Kaien hadn't been the one to wake them up that morning.

Dead. So final.

Ichigo listened to the news, pale and silent, before nodding and slamming into his room. He wasn't upset, that would come later, he was livid. How dare Kaien break those promises he'd made, how dare he abandon them without a word. How DARE he?

He didn't let himself mourn with the others, taking the heavy mantle of protector and oldest brother and trying to fill shoes he never could. He wouldn't let himself be sad Kaien died, he wouldn't let himself cry over someone who could abandon them like this.

All he could do now, was make sure their family never suffered again.



Shiro's quiet curse was the only sound, made all the louder by the conspicuous absence of a telling off by Kaien afterwards. He couldn't bare to be around the others, he saw the intense pain and anger in Ichigo, felt it sear his soul like glass. He saw the lost look of Kon, the denial followed by a sort of helplessness.

He didn't feel angry, or sad, or helpless. He just felt scared.

Would it be like that when he died? Would he leave his brothers this angry and in pain? He did the only thing he could, take the hated pills on time and pray they kept him going. Because whatever happened now, Shiro wasn't leaving.


Kon just stared when his father told him Kaien was never coming back, that he'd been involved in some car accident with his girlfriend. He knew it couldn't be true - not Kaien-nii, not after their mother had already left such a gaping hole inside him. His big brother, so full of life and smiles and promises, he couldn't be dead...

He didn't cry, even though the twins did. He didn't understand how anyone couldn't have complete faith in their biggest brother to come back, he kept waking up expecting to see Kaien's big reassuring grin and hear him laugh about how he fooled them all again. He wanted a reassuring hair ruffle, one of those ones he had started complaining he was too old for. And, not that he would ever admit it, he would rather have one big bear-hug from Kaien, than ogle Hamika Tsu in Class B.

Days slipped into weeks, weeks slipped into years and Kon grew used to looking up to Ichi-nii as the new protector - but the orange haired boy, no matter how strong he made himself, could never replace Kaien's natural caring instinct and Kon missed his acutely.

He threw himself into ogling girls, to charming them and acting the fool at home. It gave his brothers something to focus on, someone to yell at - he knew it wasn't much, but it was all he could think of to help them, and as long as he was able he would make sure to provide even small distractions from the pain he knew they all still felt.


People thought they had moved on, the Kurosaki Boys had dealt with the loss.

But they were wrong, they had been whole as a four and cut down to three the absence was always conspicuous. Like they were missing a limb, a ghost that would follow them forever.
25 July 2009 @ 09:33 am
Hey guys,

I have a question to pose to you all. I have an rp friend who I love dearly, she's a real sweetheart and her characters are top-notch. But, it's become more and more evident that she's lost interest in playing with me or my characters.

I know she's too kind to ever say this, so she's just dropping tags almost immediately - should I keep waiting and hoping, even though it hurts when she makes excuses? Or should I be the one to stop initiating contact between our characters?

Please help, guys, as I truly don't want to upset this person, but it's really starting to hurt.